Tired

I just feel tired, stagnant. I spend my days fixing things when I want to explore. I thought this morning about how the day felt like Scotland did so many years ago. I tried looking at the street I was walking down in a new way. But all I saw was my memories. Fourteen years of memories. I have spent nearly half my life in Boston. I remember how when I was a freshman here for undergrad I just wanted to finish school and leave. I felt like the place, the tenor of the place was hostile to me. I was an invader in a new town and it desired me gone. Now I go other places and I miss Boston. But when I am at home I miss the feeling of seeing the world as a big place for me to learn about. I am itching to see new things, and I want to be able to see new things here, for convenience sake, but every where I look it is something I know. The neighborhood I live in now is the first neighborhood I saw in Boston. Sometimes I hear my senior year AP Lit teacher saying, "it is the circularity of the novel". Is my life some novel with a circular narrative. Am I just a living version of "Light in August". Where is the burning house? Where is my mixed heritage, my outsiderness. I fear getting old sometimes, not because of death but because I feel like I am getting farther and farther from greatness. Perhaps it was profound hubris, but when I was young I thought I really could be or do anything. It wasn't just that my mom told me that, I actually thought I had the capacity to be as great, in an epic sense, as I wanted to be. As I get older that feeling is fading. I feel myself edging towards complacency and normalcy. It is all just making me tired.

Why Christians should read Nietzsche

I consider myself a Christian. I can't really identify which denomination or say that I agree with church doctrines one by one. I am even skeptical about parts of the Bible as historical truth(that doesn't mean there isn't value there however). But still, through all my imperfections, misguided notions, bad decisions, hypocritical actions and thought, etc. I am Christian.

I had a number of years where I knew that I was Christian, in that I believe Jesus was the Son of God, become man, to proclaim the kingdom of Heaven and then die as a subsitute for our own deaths, but I didn't say that I was a Christian. If someone asked I would say "I didn't know", or "maybe". This period of doubt was in many ways inspired and instigated by a philosopher named Frederich Nietzsche. Nietzsche is pretty famous and very maligned. Many call him anti-semitic, but I think they are wrong. Many say he hated religion, which may be true but was not his point. The essence of Nietzsche is to force one to live their lives because they have chosen to live it.

Complacency, blind acceptance, the meaningless sway of fad and mindless obedience was disgusting to him. It is ironic that the Nazi's justified their horrible campaign of suffering and conquest using his words, he would have found the mindless mobs committing the atrocities to be like sheep, subhuman, and would have been offended that they used him to do it.

What Nietzsche did to me was make me choose to be a Christian. He made me look at what I was and make a choice about my identity that I would either accept or reject. I didn't want to call myself something because I felt like my friends thought I should be, or my family had always been, or I was born that way. I have a natural tendency towards analyzing my beliefs and behavior anyway, but this particular philosopher, challenged me to believe in Christianity because that is what I believe, not because someone else wanted me to believe it.

I am attracted to Christianity for the same reason I like reading Nietzsche or even Plato. It is a challenge. I am challenged to identify myself, to make choices about who I want to be, what I want to do, how I want to think. I will admit, I do not make the same choices as the churches I have attended, I will never. But I will consider why those churches make those choices and choose my own actions accordingly.

Even if you aren't a Christian or don't believe in God, I would recommend reading Nietzsche. Start with something like "Twilight of the Idols", it is short and it was written late in his career when he had started to more clearly form his worldview. Read it once quickly, don't worry about the meaning, then read it again and think. Don't be literal, consider what the words mean and then think about your life. By the way, this is the way I read the Bible as well. I try do away with the preconceptions about the text like that it must be historical fact, but I read it to see what it might mean, or what it might have meant at the time.