First Thought

Today on the train, I was reading a book about the Mystical Theology of the Eastern Church(specifically, the Eastern Orthodox Church). I have really been taking my time reading this book, I checked it out last spring and here it is December and I am only halfway through.

The book is dense and sometimes I need to reread passages, this may have something to do with being translated from Russian. That is not the reason I have been slow to read it though. Really, I have just been putting it off. The book itself amazes me every time I pick it up. I find something that confirms my beliefs about God and humanity whenever I read it. It is really making me more fond of Orthodoxy as a whole.

I was raised in a Presbyterian church, until my parents divorced. Then I don't remember going to services again until I was about 15, well after we had moved to Washington State from Texas. That was the summer after 9th grade. I had broken into a neighbor's house during my 9th grade year and I was eventually caught. The guilt of having done what I did was too great and I confessed when I was brought in to the police station. My "friend" who committed these crimes with me, did his best to not be incriminated. I remember him coming to me in the hall at school and talking about how his dad was going to hire some lawyer and I should just not say anything else to the cops. I don't remember what I said, but I remember feeling like we were already caught, we should just face the consequences of our actions. I was freaking pissed at him for wanting to try to continue to get away with our crime and in reality that was probably where our friendship ended.

Anyway, maybe I was motivated by guilt or maybe I just needed guidance, or maybe I was divinely inspired(who knows, it is possible), but I did seek out a church that summer. My mom and I had recently moved, largely because my mom's boyfriend at that time said something like "I don't want that f'ing thief in my home", and we lived near a few churches. I originally went to the Presbyterian church about two blocks away and tried to talk to some one in the office, I think I scared the woman there to death and I got a bad read off the situation. She couldn't speak English well and my general impression of the place was that it was dead. Not really dead, but empty -- for me at least. At that moment the faith I was raised with was lost to me, and I had to find my own(oh, the drama!!! ;-).

On my way back I walked by a church which I will call by it's acronym, KCC, it was an Assemblies of God church and I will get into what that means at some other time. There was a college student named Chris K. changing the sign and I remember asking to speak to the Reverend(being from the south and going to a Presbyterian church I was not familiar with the term Pastor). He introduced me to the youth pastor at the church, Mark. Mark was friendly, full of energy and had a moment to talk. As a result I felt good about the place and I started going to KCC pretty regularly, at least once a week but more often twice a week.

That was my church all through high school, it was one of the few places I felt like I belonged when I was that age and I felt good being there. If anything it kept me out of a lot of trouble and I think I learned a lot while attending service there.

When I came to Boston for school, I tried attending the AG college group and even tried going to a couple of churches, but they were never right. I always felt like I was not in sync with them and I didn't belong. As a result I stopped going to service. I also started to do a lot of soul searching which along with some other soul scouring events in my life, left me a long way from church, and only marginally on a path leading to God.

My Junior year I dated a girl named Kat. She was "interesting", we have not talked in years and I have plenty of memories both good and bad. I loved her at the time however and I am grateful for at least one thing she gave me. When we were dating she brought me to her church in Allston. It is a Bulgarian Orthodox Church, though there are not many Bulgarians and the service is usually in English. The name of the church is Holy Resurrection and it's website is www.hrocboston.org. I attended services and functions there sporadically for a year or so, until I felt like I should convert or leave. I still felt pretty scarred religiously from the extended time I had taken away from church and I didn't know if I felt right embracing Christianity so fervently again. I had a lot of doubts and let questions and confusion get in the way of me pursuing God. I left the church and lived a while without thinking too much about it.

Recently, I have been wanting to be involved in church again, probably because of my new son. It is funny how having a child makes you want to do things like go to church. Anyway, while my wife was pregnant I reacquainted myself with Holy Resurrection in Allston. I came to realize that many of the issues I had were not actually problems, they were just issues I had with other churches. I also have a different perspective on religion now and I have been working out my issues with the acquisition of knowledge by faith and being able to believe in something despite doubt.

There is my first thought. I will hopefully have many more which may or may not be correct, or interesting. I thought on the train today as I was reading, "if more people stopped and thought about God, maybe they wouldn't have time to fight in His name".