A new year

New Years is always a time of reflection, planning, and self evaluation for me. Here in the Northern Hemisphere we celebrate our new year with the cold of winter. I feel like the weather sets my mood as I look back on what the previous year brought and I prepare for the upcoming year.

This last year was dedicated to transitioning from a couple to a family. Nicole and I got pregnant last January and spent the first 10 months of 2007 figuring out what we wanted for our new baby. We talked about how we want to raise him, about his religious identity, about whether he would be turn out to be a boy or a girl. It was a hard and exciting process that I feel only barely prepared me for fatherhood. In those moments as our son Asher was born something happened inside me that changed my identity forever. I saw his bluish little body, gasping for breath and I could barely contain myself. In that room I had a foretaste of what my future would be. I was the happiest and most fearful I can every remember being in my entire life. That little baby was my son, and I can't imagine ever not caring about him.

After he was born I realized that parenthood is work. It is not something that just happens. At 3 in the morning you don't want to change diapers, but you have to. I have a habit of sleeping through Asher's cries, so my wife takes the brunt of the work. I try to help her out, letting her sleep early while I stay up with Asher to feed him, but in the grand scheme of things I am getting off easy. The other thing is that you never have a day off from being a parent. Even if you manage to get a babysitter and schedule a date with your wife, you can't help but think about whether he is ok. I am forever changed, I believe for the better.

This coming year I want to focus on growing up. I need to regain some self-control, and discipline myself to accomplish the tasks I set out to do. My ability to execute something that takes a lot of time has been shoddy in the past. I have a habit of focussing on things that are right in front of me and not planning out what is to come. I want to change that and I am going to start by choosing my goals and breaking them down into manageable chunks. Even God didn't create everything in a day.

I want to be a better father. I want to be able to teach my child how to be a boy and then a man. I believe that also means that I need to focus on my spiritual life. I know that many people these days think spirituality is just what you believe and religions are bogus. I tend to think that religion has developed in order to focus one's spiritual life. Religious practice forces us to see beyond ourselves, back in time at all those who have gone before use and laterally to those who practice now. It also helps develop self-discipline by asking one to give up small things, maybe just one thing at a time, but to replace that lost thing with God. This is like exercise for the soul. I aim to inch my way back into religious practice so that I can begin to control my own desires and grow as a human being.

We will see how 2008 plays out. I am looking forward to it.